Ever wonder how many ways there were to describe any given goal? I did too, so I put together this handy list of the many, many ways one can write about a certain header, volley, free kick, or whathaveyou.
For the sake of argument, let’s say we’re describing this goal:
- Factual: Daniele De Rossi chips a pass to the onrushing Jeremy Menez in the Chievo box. The Frenchman takes a first-time volley and sends the ball bouncing into the goal off the far post.
- Factually enthusiastic: Capitano Futuro Daniele De Rossi chips a gorgeous ball into the path of the onrushing Jeremy Menez. The Frenchman gets into the Chievo box and smashes his first time volley into the net off the post!
- Really enthusiastically factual: GOALLLLL JEREMY MENEZ! The Frenchman took a delightful run in the box and volleyed De Rossi’s brilliant chipped pass into the net off the far post. Roma in vantaggio!!!!!!
- Ben Stein: Roma have opened the scoring after Jeremy Menez volleyed the ball into the net.
- Ben Stein haiku. Jeremy Menez/ He scored a goal. It was nice./ Roma up one-nil.
- How the announcers said it when I was a kid: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL MENEZ
- Ray Hudson-style. An absolute majesty of a goal. Menez makes volleys look like butter as he slices through the ball, simply willing it into the net. Luciano Spalletti will be having fairytale dreams of that goal tonight.
- Superlatively sumptuous. Words fail to describe Jeremy Menez but I’ll use them anyway. It was an audacious valley, begot from the brilliant simplicity of his mind, the sheer genius of being able to read the inch-perfect pass from De Rossi and his innate ability to trust his pillow of a foot to guide the ball exactly in off the far post.
- American announcers, not used to soccer or foreign names: Jer-uh-me Men-ehz scored a goal today for AS Roma in their game against Chievo. He smacked his shot into the net and left the goalie with no chance. The Flying Donkeys were deflated with a loss against Loose-ee-ahn-o Spaghetti’s men today.
- Charles Dickens. It was the best of goals, it was the worst of goals.
- Circular Logic. That stellar pass by De Rossi is what led Menez to volley in his excellent shot from that stellar pass by De Rossi is what led Menez to volley in his excellent shot from…
- Excited Tifoso. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH CHE RETE CHE RETE I HAVE TO PEE NOW
- Lazio Tifoso. Ah che pezzo di merda, sopravvalutato, Zarate e’ migliore…
- Ignorant Tifoso. Jeremy Menez? OMG NEXT ZIDANE
- Rosella Sensi. Yay! Where’s my cigarette?
- Walter Sabatini. Posso fare migliore…. Erik Lamela, dove ho messo il tuo numero…